


as my heart remembers

by emrys (livingshitpost)



Category: Guardians of Childhood & Related Fandoms, Guardians of Childhood - William Joyce, Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Spirits, Amnesia, Angst, Angst and Feels, Big Brothers, Brother-Sister Relationships, Canonical Character Death, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Child Death, Childhood Memories, Children, Death, Deathfic, Depression, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Guilt, Hypothermia, Ice Powers, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jack Feels, Jack Frost (Guardians of Childhood) is a Little Shit, Jack Frost is Nightlight (Guardians of Childhood), Jack Frost's Sister (Rise of the Guardians) is Called Emma, Jack Frost's Sister (Rise of the Guardians) is Wind, Jack Frost's Sister (Rise of the Guardians) is a Ghost, Jack Frost's Sister (Rise of the Guardians) is a Spirit, Jack Frost's Sister (Rise of the Guardians) is the Wind, Jack Has Issues, Jack being Jack, Kinda, Kinda?, Little Sisters, Memories, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Link, No Incest, Non-Canonical Character Death, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Beta Read, Not Really Character Death, POV Emma, Past Character Death, Past Lives, Pre-Rise of the Guardians (2012), Protective Older Brothers, Recovered Memories, References to Depression, Reincarnation, Sacrifice, Seasonal Spirits and Guardians, Self-Sacrifice, Sharing a soul, Sibling Love, Siblings, Soul Bond, Souls, Spirit Jack Frost (Guardians of Childhood), Spirits, Suicide, Survivor Guilt, Winter Spirits, accidental suicide, i don't know what i'm doing but fuck i sure am doin it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-17 16:11:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16977798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/livingshitpost/pseuds/emrys
Summary: things my heart yearns to know;things i almost remember





	1. the soft light of starlight on snow

_Darkness._

_That's the first thing I remember._

_It was cold, and it was dark, and I was scared._

_But then; then there was the moon. It was so big, and so_ bright; _it seemed to chase the darkness away._

_And I wasn't scared anymore._

* * *

_Aura._

I looked up and around at the sky above me. My eyes eventually locked onto the moon, shining high in the dark velvet night.

_You are a daughter of the North Wind._

I heard a boy's laughter coming from the trees.

_Watch him._

I felt a strange hold on me dissipate. A breeze floated by as I continued to look around, eventually drifting over to the boy with his faintly glowing staff.

"What are you doing?" I asked. Intricate tendrils drifted from where his feet made contact with the ice.

"I dunno," he replied with a grin. "But check this out." He rose his staff above his head before bringing it down against the icy lake. More tendrils surged from where he'd slammed it to the ground, and I watched with awe. They looked almost like the dead vines tangled around the bare, sleeping trees.

"Woah."

"You wanna try?"

I nodded excitedly. He chuckled and held it out to me. It thrummed with power as I held it in both hands. The glow flickered for a moment but eventually stabilized itself as I spun it around a few times. The breeze picked up again, stronger this time, lifting me a few inches off the ground. I kicked my feet in the air eagerly and used the staff to push myself higher. 

"You can fly?"

I looked down. I saw nothing out of the ordinary. "You can't?" I asked, turning back to him.

He jumped a few times, almost hovering as he continued to try. He sighed and shook his head. 

I put my chin in my hand and lowered myself back down to the ground. "Maybe I can try something," I offered, taking the staff again in one hand and holding it at my side. I choked up on the neck of it, the crooked part almost touching my hand, and swiftly lifted my arm, rising up so it didn't break when it hit the ice.

Up the boy went, yelling with fear at first, then whooping happily and scrambling clumsily through the air. I joined him high above the trees and we stared down at the frozen lake. The beautiful little patters he'd left on the surface were still spreading, quickly approaching the water's edge. My shoulders sagged for a moment as I took in the sight.

The boy hollered as he fell, pulling me from my reverie. 

"Sorry!" I shifted my grip on the staff and pulled up, apparently a bit too hard, and he was flung into the branches of a nearby tree. I couldn't help but laugh as I flew over and helped him back down to the ground. "Sorry," I said again through giggles.

He ruffled my hair with his hand. "Yeah, you better be," he teased. "C'mon, I think I saw a village in the distance. Shouldn't be too far away."

* * *

_My name is Emmaline, and my brother's is Jack Frost._  

* * *

We had a less than graceful landing in the little town square, but we both just laughed at how bad I was at guiding the wind to lift him and at his lack of skill at cooperating with the flow of the air. Nobody else seemed to care.

We strolled through the town for a bit, saying hello to everyone we saw. They ignored us, but we didn't mind. We laughed together at the way they walked around so stiffly and always as if they had someplace very important to go. I used our staff, and eventually my hands, to make the wind blow against them and knock things out of their hands. 

"Excuse me!" Jack called out to a child running by. "Can you tell us where we are?"

He turned blue as the boy passed right through him, almost as if he wasn't there at all. 

* * *

_How do we know that? The Moon told us so._  

* * *

I couldn't stand the look on my brother's face when the boy ran through him. His hand flew to his chest, checking to make sure it was still there. He gathered the front of his cloak in a fist and looked to me, eyes wide and frantic.

"He- he just-"

I quickly turned and glared at the boy. "Hey!" I moved to smack him on the back of the head, but my hands went straight through him. "Hey, why can't I touch you? Listen to me!"

But the boy just kept running, slamming the door of his house behind him.

Jack came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. "C'mon," he muttered. "Let's get outta here." 

* * *

_But that was a long, long time ago._


	2. cold is the cry that rings

"Hey, Jack?"

He didn't respond.

I sighed and leaned back against the wall of ice. "You didn't . . . You aren't a bad person."

He laughed wryly. "Aren't I?"

"No, you aren't."

He was silent.

"You just wanted to know. I- I get it. I wanna know, too."

"But I didn't even . . ." He groaned and pulled up his hood.  "I messed up. I really,  _really_ blew it this time. And not just for me; the Guardians don't trust either of us now."

I rose and floated over, sitting down next to him.

"Back in the woods, you said you heard something," I said softly. "What was it?"

"It's stupid."

"No, really. Tell me."

He glanced up at me. His eyes were red and glazed with tears. He sighed. "I heard your voice."

"What? Jack-"

"I know, I know. You were right there next to me. But I know what I heard. You were calling my name. I couldn't just ignore it, I . . ." He sighed again, hugging one of his knees. "I dunno."

"You had to make sure I was okay," I reasoned. "That's not  _bad_. It just means you wanted to keep me safe because you're a good big brother."

"I screwed everything up, Em. Our staff is gone; we can't do anything without it. You can't even get more than a couple of inches off the ground. I can't make my frost. And now Baby Tooth is trapped here with us. I don't know if we can fix this."

"Jack . . ."

"Pitch was right. I make a mess of everything."

My expression hardened. "That's not true! I've known you my whole life, and this is the first time you've ever messed something up like this." I reached into his pocket and grabbed the canisters of our baby teeth. "And I bet if we look at these, we'll see that you've  _always_ been a good big brother to me."

Jack looked at me with wide eyes, then snatched the canister with his name away from me and pressed the center gem like a button. I looked down at mine and did the same. 

* * *

The town was bustling, as it usually was. I kept a tight hold on my brother with one hand as he walked me home. I busied myself by playing with the loose tooth on my lower jaw with my tongue.

"Did you have fun helping out Mrs. Ives?"

I hummed, shrugging. "I guess. But I wanna go to school with you, Jackie."

He smiled. "Only boys go to school, Emma. And even if you were a boy, you're still too young."

I frowned. "But you get to learn all  _kinds_ of stuff! I wanna be smart, like you!"

"Maybe when you're a little older I'll start teaching you what I know, okay?"

"Really?! You mean it, Jack?"

He nodded. "But you can't tell anyone, okay?"

I grinned and nodded. 

* * *

Jack led me out to the woods very often, but it was always special when we went down by the lake in mid-December. I held a basket as I skipped alongside him to the holly bushes while he took our father's axe and headed for a nearby pine tree. 

* * *

"Jack, get down from there!"

* * *

We were in a warm, large room with a fireplace, surrounded by family, as Jack played out a story he'd learned from one of his other friends. He held a pair of antlers that our father had found against his head and spread his legs, scuttling around, making ridiculous faces at us all. I laughed along with everyone else.

* * *

"Be careful," our mother warned.

"We well," Jack laughed as I pulled on his sleeve impatiently.

"Come on!" 

* * *

"Jack," I breathed, "I'm scared."

"I know, I know. But you're gonna be alright. You're not gonna fall in. We're gonna have a little fun instead."

"No we're not!" My vision blurred.

"Would I trick you?"

"Yes, you always play tricks!" Hot tears ran down my cheeks.

"Well- alright. Well, not- not- not this time. I promise. I promise; you're gonna be . . . You're gonna be fine."

I looked up at him. He gave me a calm, reassuring look.

"You have to believe in me."

I took a deep breath and smiled, albeit uneasily. I nodded.

"Okay. You wanna play a game? We're gonna play hopscotch! Like we play every day."

I sniffled, nodding again. "Okay."

"It's easy as one . . . whoa-!" He flailed his arms, almost falling, but quickly caught himself. I laughed a little.

"Two . . . Three!"

He grabbed his staff.

"Alright," he said as he reached out with it, "now it's your turn."

I glanced down, licking my lips. The air bubbles just below the ice weren't very reassuring.

"One . . ."

I took a step forward. I wobbled a bit, but managed to keep my balance.

"That's it, that's it . . . Two . . ."

I moved forward another step. I could almost reach the crook of the staff.

"Three."

I took one last step and grasped the staff tightly with both hands. He quickly flung me off onto the thicker ice. I shook my head as I started to get up. He was smiling at me, and I smiled back.

The ice cracked beneath him and he fell into the dark, frozen water.

"JACK!"

I scrambled forward, unthinking, kneeling on the ice and staring desperately at the jagged hole.

"Come on," I muttered. "Please,  _please_ come back up . . ."

I sat there for a long time, silently begging him to come back to the surface for air. I was shaking like a leaf as the velvet night settled around me and the moon shone brightly high above.

I started to feel warm.

I was tired.

I curled up on the frozen pond. 

Jack would wake me up. 

* * *

The darkness faded and I was back in the chasm with Jack.

He was staring at me.

"Did you- did you see that?"

"I-I saw  _something_. I saw . . . memories.  _My_ memories. From before. Before we were . . . like this."

"Yeah, I- I saw it too."

"You  _saved_ me."

Jack smiled absently. He laughed, almost not believing what we'd seen.

My stomach sank when I realized that I'd thrown away his sacrifice.

(Maybe for him this was a chance to put more good into the world, and for me, it was a punishment.)

"That's why he chose me," he murmured as he looked up at the moon. "I'm a Guardian."

There was a pit in my chest.

 


	3. it lights the sky in silver

_We will watch over the children of Earth._

_Guide them safely from ways of harm._

_Keep happy their hearts, brave their souls, and rosy their cheeks._

_Guard with our lives their hopes and dreams,_

_For they are all that we have, all that we are,_

_And all that we ever will be._

* * *

Too many blizzards took a lot out of us. Sleeping, though we didn't  _really_ need it, was a good way to recharge. 

The Guardian's Oath rang in my head as I tried to sleep. I wrapped my chiffon shawl around my head and groaned as quietly as I could into the airy fabric. I could see the full moon clearly through the trees as I lay there in the canopy of branches.

I turned to see Jack sleeping soundly a few feet below me. Our staff was hung over a branch just by his face, just where he always put it.

"Manny . . ." I whispered with a sigh. "I get why you saved Jack. And I'm glad you did. He died too young, y'know? I mean, clearly, you do. I just-" I broke off with another sigh and sat up with one leg dangling down into the cool April night. "I didn't save anyone. Jack probably could've done all of this without me. I'm happy to be with him, don't get me wrong, but I just don't understand. I didn't do anything spectacular. I'm the  _reason he died_." I hugged my knee. "Is this my punishment? He gave his life for mine and I died anyway. I died for nothing."

No answer, as usual.

I set my jaw and got to my feet, leaping through the trees until I was on the very highest branch, and stood as tall as I could.

"You did this to him for a reason. I understand that. But what about me?" I could feel tiny ice crystals forming in the corners of my eyes, a tiny blip of heat before the freezing cold returned. "I can't protect anyone. I don't represent anything. Fewer people believe in me than in Jack; I can count the number of times I've been seen on one hand."

Nothing. The Man in the Moon wouldn't even show his face.

I sighed, sinking down to sit once again. Swirls of frost snaked down my cheeks and an icy wind howled in the distance.

* * *

_Manny grinned and laughed as I carried him on my shoulders back to the Moon Clipper._

* * *

_"Watch over our child. Guide him safely from the ways of harm._

_Keep happy his heart, brave his soul, and rosy his cheeks._

_Guard with your life his hopes and dreams,_

_For he is all that we have, all that we are,_

_And all that we will ever be."_

* * *

**_"Nightlight."_ ** __

* * *

When I awoke, I felt as though I had forgotten something. It was on the tip of my tongue, and then-

"Emma!"

I glanced down. "Yeah, Jack?"

"Get down here, we've got snow days to cause!"

I grinned. All it took was a graceful dive and a wave of my hands to lift my brother and we were on our way.

 

 

 

 


End file.
